How I Decided I Will Not Let Them Define The Way I Feel About Myself

How I Decided I Will Not Let Them Define The Way I Feel About Myself
How I Decided That I Will Not Let Them Define The Way I Feel About Myself

Okay, I am about to get real here. I am not as confident as I should be. Looking back at this past year, a lot of BS went down and as a result, my self-confidence kind of went away. I used to not care what people would think about me, the only opinion that matter was my own. I had short hair, love handles and I was as pale as Snow White. And guess what? I was extremely happy!

Then, some boy drama went down and I felt horrible after that. It was the typical “I like you but you don’t like me back” kind of thing, but that left me with self-esteem issues. I went from being the confident girl that loved everything about her, to start hating the way I looked, talked or felt. Part of me felt hopeless, and part of me felt that I needed to change in order to be accepted.

I started to think on what I could do to lose some weight. Would people like me better if my love handles are gone? Would boys like me better? If boys and people liked me better I would be happier. My mind was rushing with thoughts about it, and nothing would shut it down. I started to run and lift weights every single day, and watch what I was ingesting so I wouldn’t overeat. I had that covered, but then I went to the pool and saw these girls with beautiful tans being happy and joking around. I thought that if I were tanner, people would like me better, and that would make me happier. I started to spend time outside and get tanner. And a tan, skinny girl has to have long hair, so I started watching the weirdest YouTube videos to find the best ways to grow my hair.

And then one day I saw myself in the mirror and I hated what I saw. I had tan lines, and my skin was radiant and smooth. My stomach was flatter and my legs were leaner. My hair was finally longer, it grew a lot since the last time I cut it, and the color was beautiful. Dominique did a great job doing a natural yet noticeable balayage a couple of months ago!

But I was not happy. I let the opinion of people, especially boys, decide how I felt about myself.  I felt that I needed to look a certain way  to be accepted. I let the opinion of one boy to make me feel so small and worthless, that I needed to change who I was. I felt I had to look a certain way for this kid to even consider looking my way. I felt I had to look a certain way for a boy to approach me at a party. I felt that, if I looked beautiful people would like me more, and that would bring me happiness.

I am not happy with who I became after one boy rejected me, and I am especially not happy that even if I tried, I let people defined the way I looked or felt. I achieved my goal of losing weight and being tanner and having long hair, but I didn’t achieve happiness.

A few months went by and I kept my running and weight lifting routine. I kept spending time outside in the sun, and my hair is growing enormously lately.  But I decided that I will not let anyone affect the way I feel about myself, no matter what I look like. I decided to be the person that used to care more about her own opinion than what others believed.  And most importantly, I decided I will not let a boy define my self-worth. I am beautiful, I am smart, and I am worth it. No boy is be “too attractive” , “too cute” or “too smart” for me. I am to be too good for them.

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A Love Letter To My Body

Dear Body:

You have been through so much change. You used to be so thin, that when puberty hit I got scared. You started changing so much. Bigger hips and thighs, bigger boobs. Everything felt different. I wanted to go back and be thin, but no matter what you kept being the same bigger body.

Then, somehow, you got thinner. Amazing, I know. But I still complained about it. I complained about the size of my thighs and the curliness of my hair. I kept complaining about how big my nose was.

I started exercising, and eating healthier, and you started toning up. I could see the results and it was great. Still, I complained.I have complained a lot. I have called you ugly, fat, not slim enough. I have compared you to other bodies. I have treated you the way you don’t deserve. I fed you bad food, I let you down, and I wanted to change you no matter what.

Body, I am sorry for not loving you when you are truly beautiful. I am sorry for always wanting to change you, and never accepting who you are. I am sorry for not feeding you with good food, and not giving you the care you truly need. For not listening to you when I exercised enough or when you needed to sleep. Sorry for putting a lot of makeup and tanning lotion to cover yourself up,

Body, you are beautiful, not matter the size, color or shape.  I love you body, no matter what.

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